"Joe Pytka is the closest most middle-class, white people will ever come to a prison rape."
So began the roasting of one of the most influential commercial directors of our time, Joe Pytka. Last night I attended the roast, which benefitted the VCU Adcenter's scholarship fund and paid tribute to the visual force behind classic campaigns for Bartles & Jaymes, Nike, Pepsi, American Express, IBM and more. Judging by the full house, the event held at New York's Gotham Hall in midtown, was a success.
No one in the industry could be more deserving of a good thrashing. To say this egomaniac can be tough to work with is the understatement of the century. Stories were told last night of ritual verbal abuse on a woman who was nine months pregnant at the time. Phrases like, "This is a real low point in my career," and "Why don't you get a writer on the set to write a real commercial?" are common on a Pytka production. The fact that these people return year after year for more abuse is a a testament to his talent and the respect he garners from agencies and clients alike.
The few insults I can actually recall after all the wine:
"Some people have talked about putting Joe's head on Mt. Rushmore. Lord knows it's already the right size."
A faux spot for a new Pytka doll with the tagline: "It's not just an action figure. It's an action fucking figure."
A surprisingly funny delivery from super secret roaster Cindy Crawford (her name was not even on the program) who began her television spokesmodeling career with Pepsi in the now famous Lamborghini spot Pytka shot. "I want to thank Joe for giving me my start as a spokesperson," Crawford said,"For always making me look good. And most of all, for not putting me in Let It Ride ".
One of the more memorable riffs was not even about Pytka, but a rather "ballsy" set of wisecracks from Temerlin McClain's Jim Ferguson about Leo Burnett chief creative officer Cheryl Berman actually having male genitalia.
A celebrity of the nerd kind showed up to grab a fork and dig in--world champion chess player Garry Kasparov of Russia who starred in two different Pytka directed commercials for Alta Vista and Pepsi. A surprising friendship for the brutish director, but no one was too surprised when Kasparov revealed that in his native language, Pytka means "torture".
A lot of fun (and did I mention wine?) was had by all, but I for one would have liked to see a lot more mud thrown at the roasters. Especially when Pytka had his turn at the podium. He could have commented on the fact that Ferguson is the poor man's Pytka, from his stringy long white hair and shorter stature, to the fact that his crappy kid movie, Little Giants , was nowhere near the embarrassment of Pytka's crappy kid movie, Space Jam. And how about the fact that Hal Riney's idea of a roast speech was to subject us all to the Hal Riney agency reel from 1982 to 1990? Yaaaaaaaawn. That was one occasion when wine did not go well with cheese.
Official roasting aside, the real shit was flying in the audience when my table talked me into asking the lady at the next table if she was going to finish her untouched bottle of wine. "Some people at this table were wondering," I said. "That's sad," she said. "People are sad." I'm sorry. I said wine, not whine.
The most exciting event of the evening happened in the ladies room and I'm sorry all you guys had to miss it. A certain wife of a prominent commercial editor, (and I'm sure you have no idea who you are), managed to fall down in her stall, shit-assed drunk, and by the sound of it, break a commode. I, for one, was appalled and Cindy Crawford didn't look to happy about it either.
The greatest spectacle of all, though, was when Joe Pytka of Pittsburgh, PA, got honest-to-god choked up while listing a slew of people he considers crucial to his success. You could have heard a pin drop. I actually put down my wine.
What a crazy Big Apple night for this small town girl. I had to jump in a cab and get home to my fourth floor walk up before I got some crazy idea I was a rock star or something.
Thanks for the great evening Joe... Adcenter. And sorry wine lady.
