The president, today, swore to spread liberty and freedom to the darkest corners of the world. His aides then reminded him that 16th century explorers already proved the world is round and therefore has no corners. The president responded by incarcerating them at Guantanamo Bay without charges.
10:56 am and your signal is fading. On schedule. If only you weren't so incredibly hip and popular. If only I were in Seattle. But, for sooth, neither of these are the case, and I have to go out on a Radiohead-Public Enemy mix. (That's proper, by the way.)
Apparently I'm out of the loop. The new thing is to snort coke off the toilet seat. Just not in Murray Hill.
My favorite real estate site, Curbed, which has nothing to do with real estate and everything to do with catty bitches talking shit about their neighbors, (oh, that IS real estate?), informs us that bar owners in Murray Hill put WD-40 on their toilet seats to keep people from snorting coke off them. Thus eliminating the possibility of hipsters frequenting the neighborhood bars. And all this time I thought everyone avoided Murray Hill because Midtown East is a badland of ugly UN diplomats and overpriced Au Bon Pains. (Wait. Does Au Bon Pain count as a Murray Hill bar?)
One good thing about getting to the office at the ungodly hour of 9:45 am is that the KEXP stream is actually clear. Word up John in the Morning. I'm totally digging those tasty tunes. Especially the Frames new single, "Happiness", which you just played. I can't wait to get it. And, dammit, wouldn't you know it? Not out until February.
ABFWOT (12:00:31 PM): things are slow. can i do an interview of you for my blog?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:00:51 PM): is that your first interview question?
ABFWOT (12:02:40 PM): yes. and it's annoying when you answer a question with a question.
ABFWOT (12:13:22 PM): So...back to the interview...
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:13:45 PM): let me put my mic back on my lapel
ABFWOT (12:14:05 PM): okay. so, what's the weirdest tag line you've ever tried to sell?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:14:49 PM): are we not marlboro men?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:15:09 PM): you?
ABFWOT (12:15:13 PM): that's not true.
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:15:26 PM): duh. this is advertising.
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:15:45 PM): ok
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:16:26 PM): umm....the last tag i wrote and liked and buried at sea was Pammit Dammit
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:16:26 PM): i don't think that's weird though
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:16:44 PM): nothing like that liquid fruit stuff you guys did for [Very famous fruit juice drink in a pouch]
ABFWOT (12:17:35 PM): fuck you very much. by the way, we just heard from our producer today that the [Very famous fruit juice drink in a pouch]
spot we did last year featuring a wave of fruit is being pulled because [the client] thinks it's offensive to tsunami victims.
ABFWOT (12:17:50 PM): not a joke.
ABFWOT (12:18:23 PM): i love pammit dammit, by the way, and that's just the kind of out of the box thinking I've come to rely on you for. Sorry for ending my sentence in a preposition.
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:19:58 PM): thanks on behalf of me and the tsunami victims
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:20:09 PM): not to not make light of their tragedy
ABFWOT (12:20:13 PM): so...what are you currently working on?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:20:30 PM): a campaign for the new [Japanese game character phenom] for [hand held video game from Japan named after a child]
ABFWOT (12:20:38 PM): what's the strategy?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:20:48 PM): excellent question
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:20:49 PM): let me think
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:21:11 PM): Are you skilled enough to fight the ultimate [Japanese game character phenom] battle?
ABFWOT (12:21:42 PM): and are you? skilled enough, that is?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:21:51 PM): personally i'm not
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:22:02 PM): but i don't let it get me down
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:22:18 PM): i have others fight my battles for me anyway
ABFWOT (12:22:41 PM): interesting. so...whose work are you envying these days?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:23:45 PM): last good thing i remember?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:23:57 PM): the after thanksgiving day sale for Target promo
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:24:03 PM): the world's largest wake up call
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:24:10 PM): did you see that?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:24:17 PM): Mother NYC did it
ABFWOT (12:24:46 PM): ah, yes, Mother. She raised you well.
ABFWOT (12:25:11 PM): although i hear she's not all she's cracked up to be. A little tight with the apron strings.
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:25:29 PM): i have scissors
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:25:33 PM): although they are lefties
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:25:45 PM): and i'm a right hand man
ABFWOT (12:25:47 PM): okay, now on to the good stuff: favorite New York moment?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:25:51 PM): lol
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:26:44 PM): the time i was walking up the stairs of the 14th st F train station and saw a can of tinactin sitting beside a pile of human shit
ABFWOT (12:27:17 PM): lol
ABFWOT (12:27:26 PM): ah, she is a fair city.
ABFWOT (12:28:28 PM): my favorite New York moment was the time I spent $2200 dollars renting an apartment that doesn't have insulation while it's 10 degrees outside. It was last night.
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:28:34 PM): you're asking the questions.
ABFWOT (12:29:07 PM): who does your hair, and what do you give them, if anything, besides money, for inspiration?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:29:23 PM): i tend not to see the same stylist
ABFWOT (12:29:31 PM): tarty
ABFWOT (12:32:43 PM): i can see that my interview skills are lacking. when there is no material to work with. have you written a book recently or anything?
ABFWOT (12:32:55 PM): a movie to plug?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:32:56 PM): i think you're doing a fine job
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:33:08 PM): tact and grace
ABFWOT (12:33:18 PM): tell me why you settled in Chicago. what does it do for you, exponentially?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:33:34 PM): i was paid to come here
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:33:46 PM): like i'm doing the city a favor
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:33:54 PM): they pay to keep me here
ABFWOT (12:34:02 PM): interesting. and when i say interesting, you can interpret that as a yawn.
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:34:17 PM): in terms of exponents i'd say it cubes me
ABFWOT (12:35:07 PM): hmmm. what are you working on currently. and by working i mean playing.
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:35:12 PM): lol
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:35:20 PM): mr. tambourine man
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:35:35 PM): but the g chord isn't easy to switch to
ABFWOT (12:35:39 PM): ah. dylan. the only artist on which we both agree. space cakes anyone?
ABFWOT (12:35:57 PM): actually, correcting myself, jerry jeff walker wrote tambourine man.
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:36:09 PM): jjw
ABFWOT (12:36:18 PM): as he's know in literary circles.
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:36:34 PM): why are circles always so literary?
ABFWOT (12:37:34 PM): how are you reacting (publicly) to the closing of New York dance club, Plaid?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:37:58 PM): like any jew i plan to sit shiva
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:38:10 PM): mostly for the trays of hard salami
ABFWOT (12:38:28 PM): lol--i love your jokes. i don't know what the hell you're talking about, but i love them!
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:38:49 PM): jews mourn by sitting shiva
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:38:59 PM): food is often brought
ABFWOT (12:39:00 PM): interesting.
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:39:04 PM): because jews never lose their appetites
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:39:10 PM): for lean corned beef
ABFWOT (12:39:15 PM): see above definition of interesting.
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:39:29 PM): if i sound anti-semitic, it's because i'm a big prince harry fan
ABFWOT (12:39:34 PM): how are your sideburns these days?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:39:47 PM): they've merged into a beard formation.
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:39:50 PM): yours?
ABFWOT (12:40:02 PM): i once met a girl who said she'd never date a guy without long sideburns. do you agree?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:40:51 PM): typically i think long sideburns are pretentious but a nice gesture toward keeping elvis's spirit alive because graceland doesn't do a very adequate job of that
ABFWOT (12:41:23 PM): truer words have never been im'd. not to me anyway. i only im with complete lying assholes.
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:41:55 PM): thank god there are always exceptions
ABFWOT (12:42:36 PM): what is the worst question I've asked you today?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:42:47 PM): not that one
ABFWOT (12:43:02 PM): and finally, what is your favorite curse word?
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:43:36 PM): it'll cum to me
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:43:37 PM): one sec
ABFWOT (12:43:43 PM): lol
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:44:07 PM): shite-n-freud
ABFWOT (12:44:15 PM): nice
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:44:56 PM): or pussyshanks
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:45:00 PM): yours?
ABFWOT (12:46:01 PM): cock-a-ass
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:45:49 PM): lol
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:45:53 PM): cockass
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:46:00 PM): cossacks
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:46:02 PM): huns
NameChangedToProtectTheGuilty (12:46:13 PM): anglo-galaxians
Saturday night I saw Hotel Rwanda and that movie fucked my shit up! I literally was scared walking home that night and all night long I woke up about every 30 minutes from a stress dream about what I saw. First I had some kind of Post Traumatic Stress dream about September 11, and then I just started dreaming in great detail about all that was portrayed in the movie. I'll be honest, in 1994, I knew something was going on in Rwanda, but I didn't know what. And I didn't care. I am an American after all. After September 11, watching a movie like that can really drive home how COMPLETELY FUCKED UP and scary the world is. How long before the people who've had it shittier than us (which is pretty much the whole effing world) revolt with machetes and whatnot?
Then, I get into a cab yesterday and literally the first words out of my cabbie's mouth are, "Did you hear about the family in New Jersey?" And I knew what he was talking about, but I played dumb because, frankly, he freaked me out asking a question like that so immediately after I got in the car.
He was talking about the Christian Egyptian family that were found stabbed to death in their home in New Jersey last week. Apparently the father was an online talk show guy who was very outspoken against Muslims.
This cabbie said Muslims are the devil and he would gladly kill them all if given the chance. He said they torture Christians into converting to Islam in Egypt. He had just gotten off the phone with his wife who had given him more details. She said they had cut the man's 15 year-old daughter's breasts off before they killed her. I don't know if this is true, but he clearly believed it was.
This used to list Speed Levitch's phone number, but it doesn't work anymore. Now all I have for you is an old quote from his answering machine, which is pure poetry. "I am lack of coordination being utilized. I am dysfunction gazing into the eyes of function. I am quieted, odd, menaced awkwardness dying at the altar of suave. They call me Levitch. Leave me a message."